2:02 in the morning
of my birthday
it's been a strong few weeks... LOTS of growing
yet, the benefit is clarity
clarity after securely choosing to drop some of the balls from my usual mental juggling act
i learned to multi-task young
i'm not even sure it's a good thing... it looks successful
but what exactly is success...
success is feeling good writing a blog on the morning of your birthday on your website your offspring safely and restfully asleep you finally decided it's your life to live and you're committed to finally authentically living it deciding to silence the critic that constantly questions and undermines your dreams...
huge life decision right there
today, i lift the mask and show my face
hi, my name is nedelka
for most of my life i suffered through depression, anxiety and panic attacks
i've been to the emergency room, sat with pastors and counselors, been offered anti-depressants, talked with every possible stranger and friend that seemed like they understood, "been talked about sho's you born" only to accept self-acceptance
maybe i'm rambling
but the cool thing about blogging is i get to just be me
if you don't like it you don't have to read it, if you do... cool
clarity has come in the form of self-acceptance
the worrying over whether i'm good enough, pretty enough, the right size, can i riff clever enough... i choose to let go of
i'm not saying i've mastered this... i'm just committed to it the same way i was before i lost 100 pounds
i simply believe in the real me
the me that accepts her beauty, her strengths, her gifts, her power, her strong woman-ness, her ability to stand alone, her ability to unify, her weaknesses, her hurts and her quirks that some call flaws... whatever
they're my beauty marks
i accept that this is my life filled with decisions i have to live with... and that's just part of this beautiful, mystical, surprising, trippy gift of divine life
that at any moment if the current flow is not the one for me i can flip the script, write a new one, ad lib it, be silent, laugh at it, cry, throw a tantrum and then smile, re-shape it, create a new path...
infinity... such a powerful concept
i boldly admit that i know spirit is real and live it in love, peace, harmony and balance... within and without, as above so below
i confidently acknowledge my humanity and accept that i have and will make decisions that i will learn from and it makes me no less a wonderful being
i can deal with the fact that i love hard and sometimes that love won't be matched, yet, i choose not to hold it back... it's simply how i do what i do
i will no longer apologize for it, be ashamed of it or attempt to bridle it
i love life and i give thanks to The Creator, The Universe, The One I was raised to call God
i can feel my rhythm and i'm dancing to it...